Dear friend,

Can I ask you a question? Can you be completely honest with yourself? Don’t worry, I won't lecture you about being positive and living, instead, I want to ask you, have you ever been sad and you don’t really know why? Does the emptiness creep inside of you every night? Do you struggle to fake a smile sometimes? Do you smile, holding your breath to hide? When you are alone, does your heartache? The loneliness surrounding you, and you are drowned in your heartache?

Your trembling hands turn on the gas for a cup of tea, hoping it might help you sleep. Every day waking up to see, how the world is moving forward and you are stuck in it. You struggle every morning, struggle to get off your bed, dressing up with heavy heart. You wash your face, brush your teeth. Put on some foundation to hide the freshly made scars, some mascara to hide that sadness in your eyes, and lipstick to fake paint smile. Jeans and a shirt nicely tucked in, and you wouldn’t forget a pair of heels. After all, you are a happy human being. As you take a step out of your room, take a deep breath, cause darling, it is going to be another long day.
It's not like you have forgotten to smile. It was not that long ago when you cherished life. Happiness was at your doorstep and you enjoyed every day that you were alive. Then why is it you can't stop feeling what you are feeling? You are there with a group of your friends. Everyone is laughing and talking, cracking up jokes, jokes that never seized to make you laugh. But not now, not today, today it has no effect on you. You try to respond, try to grin a little, like you are 100% present in that room. You are actually present in that room, in that table, having a conversation with your friend, you are liking it, enjoying it after ages. Sadly, it lasts only for a few moments, slowly the voice drift away, you stop listening to what she is saying, you are pulled back to your darkness. And you know, you know with certainty, that it is starting again, you do everything you can to stop it, to hold it, you are almost there, just a little longer. But your mind gives up, so does your body. You start to shiver, your heartbeat fastens, and those tears in your eyes are hardly holding up. You don’t want to cry but you know you are having a breakdown, but you can’t let your friends know. Why? Because they will be questioning you. And you don’t have answers to any of their question.

The only thing you can think of is to excuse yourself. You run off to the restroom, lock yourself in, pour your heart out, cries your heart out. Its been 5 minutes now, you should probably stop crying or else your friends will start to question. Rearrange your dress, comb your hair, a little touch up with your mascara, lipstick. Now everything is hidden and sealed perfectly, ready to face the same reality. Days go by, weeks, months, and it becomes your routine.

My dear friend, you have been brave. You have been fighting with your demons every day and won every day. I just want you to know I am very proud of you. You might think nobody understands what you are going through, and maybe nobody does. Not completely at least. But there are always people who are willing to make an effort. There are always who need you, who care about you. And I am one of those people who is willing to do anything it takes to help you. I understand your struggle, your pain, your misery. But don’t think even for a second you are alone in this. I will always be with you supporting you. You can be broken into millions of fragments, and it is okay, I will be here picking up every single one of them until the last piece. It is okay to be sad, my dear, but it is not okay to stay that way.

AAshriti shrestha

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