Yesterday I pestered the ever-living FUCK out of my boyfriend as I went on a solo mushroom trip. To be fair, he did say it was ok if I live-tweeted the trip and I hope I didn't make him eat those words.
What you're about to read is a recap of that trip, along with some photos, and some music links of tracks that affected my trip. I ate about 30/45 minutes before I had a chocolate with a 1g dosage, and my boyfriend lives down the hill and would be over in a heartbeat if anything went wrong. I'm not a stranger to mushrooms, but if you're new to psychedelics please please PLEASE look into your drug of choice, and have a support system in place incase anything goes wrong medically, or if you just have a really bad fucking time™
Now for reference, here is what the area around my bed looks like
I also have a glow speaker that pulses through different colours, and many, MANY soft blankets. I piled all my blankets to one corner, turned on the lights, threw on some vapourwave and began Marie kondoing my clothes while I waited for my adventure to begin. I had two goals for this trip. One was to do a lot of meditation. Not only just to practice mindfulness, but also to reflect on whats happened in my life for the past little while because OHO BOY SOME THINGS HAVE HAPPENED, but I didn't give myself time to process any of it. The second goal I had, was to refamiliarise myself with my body. I've been very unkind to myself lately when it comes to my weight, what I'm eating, what I'm saying to myself, and my self-care/hygiene habits. I've been using products too harsh for my skin, I've only been eating once a day, and I've been very harsh on myself when it comes to body image, especially when it comes to my porn. So I wanted to use the wavy, pulsing headspace that usually comes with mushrooms to make sweet sweet love to myself, and remind myself that I am pretty fucking hot.
I ate my chocolate at 11:40 AM, and by 12:25 I felt the mushrooms hit.
I felt it first as a sudden weight in my body, like gravity had been turned up juuuust a little bit and laying down would be a very very good idea. After settling into my pile of blankets and essentially making myself a nest, I began taking deep, slow breaths to clear my mind and get to meditation. The thing is though, I kinda suck at it. It took me a while. I was uncomfortable, the music was too loud, not loud enough, and then at about 12:33, I had a second "oh it's heeere'' sensation. My dudes, I started feeling like I was melting into the blankets but I was so content with it. So I just laid back, let my eyes unfocus, and listened to the music.
I've never had a trip, yet, where I experienced intense hallucinations and in a way I'm pretty thankful for that. I did however get a little distortion. There was a slight ripple effect, and blues and greens were suddenly very very vibrant. I switched my music to something a little more EDM and then started to do some breathing.
"Each breath feels like I'm breathing further and further into myself. Kinda like I'm reaching down with my breath, and I'm realising that I'm really, really sad. Not in an overwhelming way, but more of just a fact. I'm getting washing waves of heavy but I also really want to move around, so I think I'm gonna stretch now"
And so I did. I took the time to intentionally move everything at once and moved into some simple stretches, both the sort you'd see people doing at a gym or a beginners yoga class. I became more and more aware of my body, my pulse, everything. And then this sudden bursting, unpolished punch you in the face giddiness and joy arrived and I just started dancing to my music.
The left side is the expression of pure joy when I accidentally itched my head and how fucking good it felt, the right side is of me talking about the bright, bubbly, unpolished raw joy I was feeling and that it was caught in my chest. These are two screengrabs from a 12-minute video I made from myself to myself because, at the time, I thought it was super important to document the feelings that I had, and I'm glad I did. I ranted about how my boyfriend and best friends were right, about how I need to cut myself some slack and that I am doing an amazing job of rolling with the punches. I talked to myself as if I were a different person, and for a lot of the trip, I felt like I was. I had me a decent little cry, and then as if I remembered the greatest thing man ever invented, I got excited about showering.
BABE HOLY SHIT BABE
I CAN SHOWER
IM GONNA GET SO FUCKING CLEAN
IM GONNA WASH. MY. SOUL BABE. This is gonna be so good for me oh my GOD I CAN SHOWER
Oh god oh fuck babe this is weird I feel like an absolute GIANT. The toilet is small. The sink is small. Everything is small. Or am I really tall? I mean I am six foot tall but this feels kinda ridiculous. Is this what barbies would feel like if they had sentience? Everything is too small, and seems weirdly plastic? Anyway I'm going to admire my reflection now
When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror? I mean really looked at yourself. Because it felt like I was looking at myself for the very first time. It was like I was meeting myself for the first time. It was kind of unerrving, mostly because it held an underlaying oh shit... I'm really just here. Like I exist. I made it. Holy fuck I made it
Now. I'm already the type to have super long reflective showers/baths on the regular, without any assistance from any sort of substance. But this was something completely different .
I might have entered another level of the trip, but standing in the shower and looking down made everything seem far away but at the same time, not. For a while I had to stand sideways in my shower and have a hand on each side just to remind myself of the dimensions.
Feeling a little more stable? Hell yeah
Time to kneel in the shower and feel that hot water beat on my back? Hell yeah
Now as all of this is happening, Im absolutely the fuck on drugs. If I were to look at my hands or arms, they'd have red and green/blue shadows on either side, colours are super saturated, it feels like how the reactor sequence in Spiderman Into the Multiverse felt (which I also saw on mushrooms and it was fucking INTENSE ). I brought my glow speaker in with me so the bathroom is steamy as fuck as if I were setting up a hotbox, soft strobe lights, EDM, everything felt SMALL. I felt like how this image looks. Im RADIATING energy and I am so. fucking. H A P P Y
I'm so thankful that my shower has an oh shit bar, because, as I said, I'm absolutely on drugs. After I did some breathing exercises, and my hands were no longer the same mound of flesh I stood up again and washed every inch with intent.
Yes. I do mean every inch, and no, it wasn't sexual. I'm genuinely surprised that I did not masturbate at ALL during my trip and tbh I feel like I robbed myself an experience but at the same time, I've spent entire mushroom trips jacking off and sometimes they last up to 8 hours. I'll let you sit with that.
So after my hands separated and became two hands again, I stood up and clung to the oh shit bar and this overwhelming joy came back, and bitch wanted to D AN C E.
I danced my little heart out and I kicked myself out of the shower so I could do a mini mosh in my bathroom as I blasted through some REZZ and similar. I just let myself the fuck go and it was exhilarating, I just couldn't stop watching myself. I noticed myself differently as if I was experiencing someone else for the first time while also having a very solid sense of self and permanence. And then I was just overcome with a big big emotion and sent a few audio messages that can be summarized like so:
*breathless* okay so fuck okay so. When was the last time you just let go. What did it feel like. Also what fucking bullshit are we as human beings doing. Why are we limiting ourselves from dance because it looks weird? like you're on drugs? I mean I am on drugs ,l im really on drugs but . ok hey im gonna poof for a bit because i gotta listen to more-- OH WOW BABE. BABE HAVE YOU FELT SILK? HAVE YOU. FELT. SILK. i am REGAL. BABE. FUCK HOLY SHIT OK MUSIC TIME BYE"
I'm basically living this gif. I'm listening to pop punk, proper punk, alt rock, 90s classics with a heavy grunge influence. I was living my best fucking life. I was the very meaning of expression.
I went through all the emotions. I went in loops like it was a long string being wound and twirled around like a dropped ball of yarn. And I experienced a ferocious intensity. I wasn't just sad, I had a deep wrenching sadness that made me sob. I was so angry I felt it in my bones and my skin felt like it was on fire. I was confused, I was lonely, I was frustrated. I was everything at once but I had an undeniable sense of joy. It would have been blindingly bright and sparkly and it prevailed over everything and I had a moment of celebration.
Ya gal has been through some SHIT lately but I've just dusted it off and kept trucking on. I've made leaps in improving my mental health, physical health, romantic health, and my latest conquest is spiritual health. I feel like I am thriving for the first time in a very long time and I am bursting with excitement and determination and giddiness and it washed everything away and I simply felt alive.
One band in particular was responsible. These motherfuckers called And So I Watch You From Afar
I listened to the whole thing in a random order, and I wish I could remember what order that was, because it took me on a fucking RIDE. Some songs that stood out to me were:
Clench Fists, Grit Teeth,.....GO! - I think it was the first song I listened to, and it set the mood really really well.
The Voiceless - This song hit different and heavy and brought out a really deep sadness in me and defo prepped me for my really big cry, which was the next song. My boyfriend told me "The Voiceless stands out a lot compared to the rest of the album, its a break from that intensity and a deep reflection on why we are that intense".
Tip Of the Hat, Punch to the Face -
OH WOW OH WOW OH FUCK OH JEEZ THIS IS INTENSE. INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE Oh ok yeah this isn't so bad AHAHA JUST KIDDING BABE THIS IS VERY INTENSE"
The song that got it all though, was Don't Waste Time Doing Things You Hate.
This song made me feel everything all over again, but honestly? It filled me with pride. During my dancing, I started grabbing random parts of my body and I grinned. I ran my hands all over and was positively delighted that I was so soft. Not just because I'm a thicc bitch but how smooth my skin was. Everything around me was just soft. My pillows, my blankets, my hair, my mouth which I may or may not have finger fucked for a little bit I'll neither confirm nor deny was weirdly interesting as I slowly floated down into the pillowy softness of my bed.
That was the last song, and I was left out of breath with my heartbeat in my ears, and complete silence. Sinking into my blankets I suddenly because incredibly appreciative of my close friends and boyfriend, and took the time to send them each a ridiculously long text about why I love the way we interact, my favorite traits like the way they laugh or sparkles in their eyes when they talk about their favourite subjects, or how his smile reaches his eyes and how genuinely happy he looks. I told them that they make my heart so full and that I'm so thankful I had them.
And then I did a similar conversation with myself. I thanked myself for getting this far. For putting forth the willingness to get away from the toxic lifestyle I had before. For getting the mind to pull myself out of my alcoholism because my life is thousands of times better than I ever thought I could have. I granted myself permission to experience all the emotions, even though it's messy and unregulated. I gave myself permission to not be in control of everything 24/7.
I also realised just how unkind I've been to my body. I haven't been hydrating as I should. I've been avoiding food because I was worried about weight. I've been so scared about acne I use super harsh products on my skin, I was pushing myself beyond all sorts of limits.
I did some deep breathing exercises again and intentionally worked my way towards alertness at this point. The end of my trip was nearing and I was hungry as hell. At this point, its 4:00 PM and I hadn't eaten anything since 11 AM, but I made sure I stayed hydrated as fuck because of all the crying I was doing.
My trip was ending, so I made plans to finally go over to my boyfriends place. I was exhausted, though thankful that I had this experience by myself. I was still feeling the last few ripples as I snagged some stuff for supper and walked to his house, and walking outside just felt really fucking good, even though the cars and shit were moving VERY fast. Laying down beside him and being wrapped in that sort of safety was the perfect way to end the night.
I plan on doing more of these and in the future, I do want to make a video of before, during, and reflections from after my trip. I want to do some panting next time or do some makeup that might be fun.
This experience was so profoundly good for me. I've reconnected with my emotions, I feel more confident with myself and I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It was just so fucking good and I needed to share it with yall.
I would also love to read about other peoples trips, and the experiences they had during it whether it's good or bad!!!
I'm Faye and this was my story about spending the day on mushrooms, thanks for coming to my TedTalk.