Without realizing it, I’ve become an old face at this platform. I’ve been here for more than two years already. I’ve explored my creativity and experimented with lots of ways of interacting. I’ve had my ups and downs.
I came here trying to share my fiction. It was not easy. I found much more success writing articles that were easy to relate to. I have a lot to say so it was fun for a while.
I had my ups and downs. I was pretty close to becoming one of the bigger names on the platform more than once but usually I’d find myself upset about the injustices of the blockchain, people getting huge payouts for shit, others writing absolute gold and going ignored. I let it get to me.
At that time I was trying my best to avoid all the bullshit of society, and at great cost to my wellbeing. I focused on all that was wrong and pointed it out whenever I could, thinking it would lead to solutions. If only I could shout loud enough.
I saw the potential of this place to be so much better than the 9-5, addiction filled, shallow, fake every day life that I was fed up with. But around every corner, I found myself face with the same old shit.
Eventually I realized that as much as there are so many things I can find wrong with society, I still want to be connected to everyone.
I started to find excitement in the idea of working a regular full time job for the first time in years. Part of it was just wanting a comfortable surface and the ability to travel and not always feel like I was struggling. But more than that, I was excited to go back into a world full of people who are stressed out and competitions, and just be something very different, much lighter and brighter and full of love, and to see what happened.
So last year I came back to Japan from a country I do not wish to name where I was staying just because of the cheap rent and relaxed attitude of the friends I had made, as well as some connection with the traditional aspects of culture which were hidden like gems under lots of ugliness. I started working again, not exactly 9-5 but close enough. I tried my best to stop criticizing what I didn’t like and tried my best just to “be the change”.
The first six months were hard. I felt so tired after work, I felt as if my life was passing me by and I was wasting every day because I didn’t have enough energy to write or make music. Having some health problems that everyone and their mother claimed to know someone who could fix, only to find a lot of bullshitery which cost me most of my savings....did not help.
I know, deep down, that everything is always perfect and beautiful, no matter how terrible it looks sometimes, and I know that what is inside will reflect put into our lives, but I couldn’t seem to let go of this victim mentality, no matter how much I knew I should.
Somewhere around 8 months after coming back here I decided that I would try to enjoy every single moment, even the most boring ones, even if I was wasting my life. I got rid of all attachment to any outcome. It wasn’t desire that brought me suffering, it was this attachment to outcome. And so I focused, as much as I could, on the current moment.
It was actually something I had been working on for the past 5 years, but as you challenge yourself to grow, all the ugly stuff you’ve buried over the years comes out and challenges you.
In any case, I realized before long that I was having a profound impact on the people around me. Before I came they were all stiff and distant. Had I worn the avocado socks I was wearing today in the beginning, I would have made enemies in that environment, but thanks to me, and another lighthearted coworker, the atmosphere was so much brighter and more laid back.
I realized I’m already doing it, I’m already living my dreams. It may be at a small capacity in a controlled environment but that’s all the more reason to be excited. I’m on deck. This is a safe environment for me to see if I have what it takes to be and do everything I dream of.
As I started to feel this way I found myself with more energy after work. I found myself able to focus on learning how to record and making a demo version of my album, and then to start writing after an half year hiatus.
A few weeks ago I felt inspired to start interacting on steemit again instead of listening to so much news and watching tv shows. Watching adventure time was cool but writing something just as awesome is way cooler!
I feel ready to try new things. I’m still healing. I am focused. I plan on writing every day this month in an attempt to finish my first novel. I’ve even started planning how to become my own boss doing what I am doing now and doubling my income in the process. I’m much more positive about everything I do because I see so clearly how every unwanted thing has been to make me stronger.
I feel like a new person and I suppose I am. And I’m still the same. My break from steemit has allowed me to see how much I’ve grown.
I feel a lot of what I believe and share is the same now as it was before, but it comes from a totally different space. It’s less about fixing what’s broken and more about enjoying the beauty and fun and following excitement, without any of the baggage.
Glad to meet you all, again. ❤️
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