I can make a long list with all those things I am at least according to my mother. She's the one who tells me these things. At times she does when she drags me out of bed in the middle of the night or when she yells at me but there are also times she sots calm at the dining table and tells me while she's eating while no one likes me and her life would be better, the world would be a better place if I would be dead. She never says "if you weren't born" or "if you would live somewhere else" no she wants me to die as soon as possible.
I don't look at her if she starts reciting herself since that is what she does. It's the same old song, she sounds like an old long-playing record. I try to puzzle out what her problem is, why she hates me so much and above all how to help her. She's sure her life is better without me. I am in her way and have to leave. Is there a place I can go to? I don't think anyone takes her seriously but I do. She's not joking around and staying with her is no option. No one likes to be with her. I have a dad but he's gone for the biggest part of the day although he has no job. My mother is the one who works. All money is hers and we have to be grateful for that. Grateful for her, her money and if she gives something to us. I do not like the word 'grateful'. Grateful I have to be if she beats me up and is willing to let me stay to cook, clean, do the dishes. Grateful I have to be if she molests me one hour before we celebrate Christmas and I am still allowed to have dinner with her. Grateful I should be if she doesn't kick me out of the car on the highway because I dare to fall asleep while she's driving. Grateful... brings nothing good. Grateful is always accompanied by misery and pain, bruises, blue spots and blood.

I have an ugly face, am ill, I have a crinkle in my brain, I am sloppy, lazy, break things, and my knees and elbows are too black. I am not a kind person, not funny and always look angry and worst of all... I look like my dad.

March 8, 2021

The prompt 'sloppy' is provided by @mariannewest
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09.04.2021 05:30