Today I try to keep myself in the easy-does-it-mode. Together with the change of weather my health changed drastically as well. I shouldn't complain since most of the sneezing stopped. It's just that other issues, allergies, took over. Staying healthy, keeping yourself in good shape is easier said than done no matter how healthy you eat and how many vitamins and minerals you take.
No, I don't suffer from a lock-in, any type of coronavirus not the lack of social contacts or body contact. The only "window waver" I met is my child early in the morning. It waves at me, still waves if I drop it at the bus stop. And I? I wait till it gets on the bus. A lost child is a hard thing to overcome. I am not a Christian which means I cannot say if something bad happens "It is God's will", shrug my shoulders and go on. I am that parent that would blame myself even if it's not me to blame for. So I wave at my window waver behind my car window and try to arrive safely back at home.
Back home I always intend to go to bed. I intend to do so because it's 6 a.m. Instead, I do the dishes, the laundry, fill buckets with water, drag around with stuff while my body protests. My body protests because it's how I, my generation is raised. " Work till you drop dead, you can rest in your grave" is the slogan, a slogan for girls. Most likely I work till I drop dead, literally drop dead unless the unconsciousness comes over me again. If that's the case I hope to be in bed. My floors are cold, it's autumn and it will get colder. The sunny days are over. If we have one sun hour a day it is much. Only one hour of sun.
It rains and rains and I can feel it. My body feels it coming, the rain I mean. The pain increases, no prednisone can help me (indeed I'm still taking it), the pain in my nerves prevents me from sleeping which means I need to keep myself busy in some way.
Keeping myself busy is hard too. Pain, unconsciousness, infections make it hard to concentrate but in some way I manage, still manage to make it all look good at home. Not that my children care if I end up in bed early. A mother in pain is not pleasant to have around. It's better to remove her. Out of sight is...
It's still early and I have the whole day ahead of me. Plenty of time to go back to bed after I did something. Something that makes me feel useful, my day isn't totally wasted (a strange expression).
I don't want my children to be like me. The always hard-working, never able to rest, sit still, being not productive me. I let them sleep, sleep longer because it is Saturday. They wake up a whole week early, too early for a child, and there's no need to push them into a burnout. School, all those hours traveling is already stressed enough. Besides... It's cold outside of the bed. I already sleep with a hat and a warm water bag, my ears hurt. The children will need extra blankets and winter didn't even start. It will be colder soon, extra cold because we can not heat the house this winter. It's something I am not happy with, it will infect the health of my children too.
For now, it's covered underneath a blanket in a chair. Cold seems to follow me throughout my entire life. Cold and flies. Two things I can't stand and have to live with just like pain and being exhausted for my entire life.
At least I have a bit of time for me now. Time alone in a silent house. These are the best moments of the day/night, no keeping up appearances.
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