Hello there you all beautiful people.
How are you? I'm participating in this contest today cause it's always fun to talk about your love ones.
I'm a bipolar disorder type II and was also diagnosed with a mild suicidal tendency. I saw myself as a ticking bomb. Why do you need love when you can't even love yourself? Well, no, it's not that. I love myself too much when I'm not 'sick' or depress (sometimes to a narcissist point). Being bipolar makes me an extremist. I can be too happy over the moon and I can be depressed to self-loathing.
According to my psychiatrist, I had it in me since I was a child and this is not something I can get over. I'll live with it to the day I die. He couldn't help me stop it but he could help me make it bearable. Or so he said.
Today, I'm not going to talk about my bipolar. I want to talk about the reason I finally muster the courage to see the psychiatrist to get help. Though I've been practically living with it since forever and tried to end myself more times than my mum would imagined.
The person is..
Fik, my husband.
We first met in college, around 12 years ago. He was in Biology course and I was in Physics. He's quite an eye-candy, I guess cause I did remember him. Which I rarely would. I don't really remember people. That's not my thing. He had a girlfriend back then and I really hate getting into others' dramas, so I don't think much of him back then. He noticed me though. He knew I was faking a 'girlish-lady' attitude. I promised my mum I would do that for a year and I did. I'm not very lady-like if you still didn't get it.
Anyway, we met again at University. The same faculty. Thankfully not the same course.
He literally saved my life 2x which he didn't even remember but I did, of course. People don't come to my rescue every day and I don't really fully intend to end my life. I just want to test the water. Literally. It's the ocean.
Maybe fate has been playing with me all those times. Cause frankly, back then, I never intend to fall in love. I'm a ticking bomb and I don't want to drag others with me. I also think I don't deserve love. I also labelled myself as an ace. Biromantic grey asexual to be a little specific. If you understand what that means, I applause. It was hard to find people who 'understand'.
We've been married for more than 3 years but I still don't know much about him. While he, knows a lot about me. Or so he proclaimed. He was my stalker!! Online stalker. Seems like I attracted that kind of people. He wasn't the only one who confessed. lol
He's half Malaya and half Chinese but he always claimed to be a Malay. Chinese and Malay are two of the majorities in Malaysia. His Chinese mum was raised by a Malay family so he didn't know much about Chinese and embraced his father's side. He likes to say, "Cause I'm Malay." I always laugh when he said that and just agree with him. But he truly knows so much about Malay history. Like I said, he embraced it. As for me, I'm a proud Malaysian.
He also does his job well. He never finishes his job half-a** as I've seen many did. He is also an honest person. He said he's honest cause he's a Malay. In our country, some company wouldn't hire Malay or Chinese because of the stereotype. Mostly because of the lack of integrity. My husband comes from both but I think he is the most trustworthy person I know. He has a problem lying even for his benefits. Though he can be a mean joker. Guys..
What I like most about him is, he's kind of a gentleman. It's hard for girls not to fall for his chivalry, I guess. Which also something that would give me insecure. Though, he is also faithful to a fault. So, I guess I have nothing much to worry about.
There are only 2 people in this world that I know who will let me sing and dance in the middle of everywhere (with no dangers) without feeling embarrassed about being with me - him and my cousin, Diana. He got the top spot cause he literally duets and dances with me. I never knew he could be spontaneous. Or, I would say, he is worse than me. Is it bad for me to say that I'm grateful for that? lol
I think he made me feel relief and less lonely.
Not love? Well, love is a very subjective thing. Before I 'met' him, I never knew that I could fall in love. Stupid, huh?
We've come to why I said, "Yes!"
He contacted me mid May 2017. He asked me if I was engaged and congrats me. I asked if he wanted to be my wedding planner. He said we just saying hi and I told him that I was single. Fast forward, he dated long-distance style. Never met him after University. Only call and texting. I wasn't even sure if he was serious. He said he would marry me in two years.
Then, Fate decided to knock on my door again. A month after that, my aunt was pushing me into a political marriage. My mum who knew that her 'exquisite' daughter finally find interest in a guy, told her off but she wouldn't budge. Till my mum finally told my aunt about Fik. She snatched my phone from my hand and told Fik to come that instant if he was so serious' about me. We live 8 hours apart. He didn't even have a car.
He did. It was raining heavily. He had to stop so many times because of the cold. He borrowed his brother's bike. He said he would come sooner if the mechanic would not take his time with the bike. I'm glad the mechanic did cause it was a very long ride. When I saw him for the first time in years, I knew he had cast a spell on me.
My uncle went for a car ride with him and asked if he was okay with 'someone like her', like me. Whatever that meant. That idiot guy just laugh and said he didn't mind. He didn't know what will hit him later.
When they were home, my family forced a marriage to him. Forced. I wished the earth would eat me. That idiot guy made a promise. He said he will go back to his family and talked about the date. WHAT??!!!
We got married 2 months after that. He knew about my bipolar. I actually had an attack the second-day of our marriage. I thought he would run, but he didn't. He was a bit traumatised about it for at least two weeks. I saw him flinched. And so many things had happened that I thought he would leave me. He didn't. What did I do to deserve this? All the pain I had before? I don't know but I'm grateful.
He sacrificed 'his life' and 'future' for me. Even gave me a baby.
My psychiatrist was against me having a baby. He said it might burden me a bit too much. Fik supported my decision though at first, he was also against the idea too for my health. My mind and body health. I had at least 2 times relapse during my pregnancy and I was hospitalized often but I didn't regret that bold choice I make. It was a risky one and I prayed so hard during my pregnancy cause only God could help me through everything.
To have someone to support your craziest idea and never left you, I'm grateful for everything he has done. Especially since he was the one who really knew what I would or was going through. The best part is, my bipolar seems to calm down a bit after I had our baby, Anne. I like to think that, it was because I always ask for His guidance in whatever I do.
Life is not always sweet. We only started to live together since December last year and even with a long-distance relationship, we sometimes had fight when we met. We still have some fights now and then but he's still here.
Thank you for coming into our family, husband and make me feel more comfortable with my skin.
I'm a very realistic person. My mum was a single mother since I was 9. I don't know how long our relationship will last though I want to have at least 30 years together before I start losing my memory. I already forgot him once during my post-partum. Totally have no idea who he was and it was freaking scary. I'm not sure how much time we have for each other cause life is too short. But, I'm putting it here so that maybe one day, someone can read it to me and remind me of the feelings I once had.