Yin & yang. The ebbs & flows of life continue in their cycles.
Love, pain. Expansion, contraction. Light, dark, growth, loss...
We’re in intense energies at these times. The upcoming Saturn-Pluto conjunction, paired with a lunar eclipse, Uranus going direct, and a few other key aspects... there’s a consensus this is some of the most extreme conditions humanity has ever been through. Change is upon us. We shall be seeing turning of many tides in 2020, both in our individual lives and on the global stage. Get ready for the breakdown of what no longer serves.
True to the mechanics, all this is hitting my 7th house of relationships hard as Cancer, having separated only a month ago and really going through the readjustment this year. And that loss of love following the loss of 95% of my wealth in crypto from two years ago. From zero to married to $2 million in crypto, back to practically where I started and single.
Ebbs & tides. Peaks & valleys.
Yet, though such great loss may be fair reason for disappointment & discourage (of which there has certainly been an abundance), it seems there’s also been an unexpected outcome:
Freedom. (In some regards.)
The regard I’m referring to...
A certain detachment from my old ways of thinking & being. A liberation from outdated mindsets that had ended up causing only destructive stress. A death and rebirth or my internal relationships - those with myself, my understandings of money, love, and purpose.
Both losses had their own wealth of lessons. (All negative experience does.) One of the biggest of which: they were a consequence of valuing the wrong things.
When I started writing on Steemit, I had pretty much nothing. A good windfall to begin with and a fantastic bull run later, there was $1.6 million USD in my wallets. At that point, I was faced with a choice that I wasn’t actually aware of: what did I value?
Ultimately, most of our choices are made based on our values. (Whether those values are truly conscious and our own or the result of cultural/societal conditioning is another matter).
What I chose: risk it all for an extravagent house on the hill.
Meanwhile, I could have - theoretically - chosen differently. Say, a relocation of my profits into a far more secure investment vehicle that’d provide a steady dividend that covered a comfortable lifestyle for my wife & I for the rest of our lives. Or, to put even half of that into a savings account for us to live off more-than-comfortably for the next 10 years.
Choices and consequences.
And, it all provided for quite the fascinating experience.
Having chose as I did based on valuing acquiring even more, there was no peace or satisfaction in what life-changing money I’d acquired so far. I was greedy and attached to some far-off material goals, when in could have been grateful & happy to have earned enough to manage wisely in a way that’d provide the type of security that would have actually brought more peace & satisfaction that chasing some alluring dream at the risk of everything.
Perhaps it was some of that damn not-self conditioning of the open heart center in my Human Design chart, ’trying to prove’ my worth to my wife by providing her an over-the-top luxurious sanctuary (though I really did want it more for myself, whereas she was more-than-happy with our rented one-bedroom apartment that she felt was an upgrade from many of her previous living conditions in Indonesia).
In any case... the attachment. Oh boy. To what I’d earned, mistakenly believing that spending or reinvesting it elsewhere would be a loss, relative to what type of gains I naively believed were ahead in crypto. To the ideas I had of the fortune and dream home. To the whole HODL philosophy. To my stubborn conviction in how I thought life should unfold according to my material-based desires.
(Surely, some of the open-spleen not-self at play there, holding on too long to things that weren’t good for me - ideas just as much as investments.)
And as for the loss of my wife... well, that’s a complex, multi-layered matter that I don’t know if it’s possible to draw any firm conclusions on the reasons why it didn’t work. Yet, I’m not too proud to admit that part of the reason is because I didn’t value her enough. Sure, I did. But perhaps not in the ways that counted most.
After all, I could have taken a good chunk of those crypto profits - which would’ve been only a small fraction of my portfolio - and put it aside for her. I could’ve invested in her. In buying her more time and freedom to settle into Canada, go through what healing processes she needed, pursue more education, etc. But instead, I valued the dream of the house more, risked it all, and lost it all.
And here, now, as the dust settles, is that sense of freedom.
The house on the hill... don’t want it anymore. And there’s an immense freedom in that detachment.
The mega-millions... doesn’t mean shit at this point.
The entire experience recalibrated my values.
I wish that recalibration had happened sooner, such that it might’ve saved my marriage. But perhaps that was a necessary part of the process to get here:
No longer holding such attachment to the fancy material things.
Viewing money as a means not to a prestigious lifestyle, but the fuel for pursuing purpose/mission.
Forgetting about that stupid fucking shiny dream that cost me everything, and instead making proper use of what I’ve got here and now to step up to destiny - surrendering my own ideas about what and where is best, to be guided into the spaces & relationships that may actually be most conducive for my highest growth and service.
Some sort of acceptance that I have not known best, have fucked a lot of shit up trying to impose my ideas onto life & others, and that it’s humility needed to align with what I’m really here to accomplish.
And, that humility itself.
After all that loss, there’s a peace in the freedom from attachment to that material shit. There’s less pressure, not being obsessed with a fancy box to work, sleep, fuck, and eat in - but in the gratitude for the time freedom I’ve managed to create thus far that allows me to pursue what’s needed with music & writing (after proper self-care).
There’s a peace in the freedom from worry over the future, being more centered & grounded in the present, even if it is grief that got - and to some degree still keeps -me here.
Granted, perhaps freedom always does come at some cost or another. Nothing in life is free.
Certainly, this freedom came at a great financial cost - an amount of money which did provide a buffer from certain stresses, and itself bought a lot greater freedom of choice and movement.
Or whereas I might have more time freedom and freedom of movement as a single man, there were different types of freedom in marriage that I miss. “The freedom to fuck tons of women” sounds great in theory, yet the reality of the dating game is something I’ve never been interested (and whores are too damn expensive for my spending preferences in Canada.) And sex aside, it was always the intimacy that meant more to me. There was a great freedom in true intimacy. Going back to being single and into the dating game, whenever that might happen - does not feel like any sort of freedom so much as depressingly having to start all over from square one. There was a freedom in safety & comfort zone of a relationship that take time to develop, which isn’t possible with just anyone.
As such, maybe there is no such thing as true freedom. It’s all contextual. There’s always a yin and a yang. Perhaps one set of freedoms always comes at the cost of another.
Perhaps to many, freedom equates to the choice of what brand of designer clothes or smartphone we have - valuing those material goods over the time freedom they have to sacrifice in order to pay for them.
To some, freedom might equate to pursuing an individuated, non-traditional life path - at the cost of the freedom to be themselves without judgement from family, old friends, and culture or society.
To others, the highest utilization of freedom might be to devote decades to raising a family in a safe country & community - well-worth the sacrifice of a different lifestyle in which they’d have the freedom to travel the world, meet new people, and constantly have new experiences.
Ultimately, there may be no absolute right or wrong - only what is the most suitable fit for our own personal values. We each choose which freedoms to exchange for which others.
Yet, perhaps the points where we run into trouble are those where those choices are made from distorted values.
A pesky part of the whole human experience: we’re highly susceptible to external conditioning. Sometimes it takes decades of life experience to come into an awareness that our values were more under the influence from others than truly our own.
And as such, that we spent a good portion of our precious lives chasing the wrong freedoms at the cost of the ones that really mattered.
Though, perhaps it’s better to find out later than never...