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Showcase Sunday: It's Done (Completely Fukt Edition)


Cartoon violence and dark humor.

*As requested, the final chunk was left on the beach where you normally jog. Finding it should be easy enough. Don't force your tears once the police arrive. They'll know. Just think about the time someone you actually cared about died. I'll be expecting the rest of the payment by Friday. Don't let me down.

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It's Done: Hit #6

You know that thing you asked me to take care of?

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It's Done.

Listen, I know you said a photo won't be necessary and I do thank you for paying in full upfront like that, but damn. You owe me a new wood chipper. How many gallons of milk did you feed your husband before you decided you were sick of being his maid? His bones were harder than stone.

It was going well, then I heard a squeal, then a thud. I saw smoke, this chunk flew out, then it stalled. There's at least $700.00 worth of damage here and I'll be expecting to see that in my Bitcoin wallet by Monday.

No funny games, no police, this isn't extortion, I just loved that machine. I appreciate your understanding in advance.

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Warning:

If you have stumbled across this message and are not the intended recipient, you may be in danger. Forget everything you've seen here today, starting now. Turn around, face the tall brown building beside the little red one. See the 'X' on the ground? Stand on it.

Next, reach up to the sky. Stretch! I bet that felt good. Now, lunge and kick and lunge and kick! Scream out, "Good job ladies!" Now reach again! Reach for the sky! And lunge and kick and lunge and kick! Cool down! Breathe. In and out and in and out. Now reach again! Yeah! Just like that! Feel the burn. Hold it there! Hold it! Now drop and give me twenty! Don't be lazy! Remember, you're being recorded for my Youtube channel and we only have one shot at this. DO NOT screw it up!

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It's Done: Hit #7

You know that thing you asked me to take care of?

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It's Done

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Warning:

If you have stumbled across this message and are not the intended recipient, you may be in danger. Forget everything you've seen here today and slowly back away. Keep walking in reverse until you bump into the man standing near the curb. Yell at him! Tell him to watch where he's going! When he gives you the puzzled look, hit yourself. Punch your face as hard as you can! Plead with him to stop hitting you while you continue to punch yourself. When he runs away, fall to your knees, look up to the sky with your arms out to your side and ask god, "Why? Why god! Why!" At this point, I'll need you to fall forward from your knees so you're eventually laying down. Curl up in the fetal position and begin sucking your thumb. Never forget, you're being recorded for my Youtube channel and we only have one shot at this. DO NOT screw this up!

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It's Done: Hit #8

You know that thing you asked me to take care of?

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It's Done

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Warning:

If you have stumbled across this message and are not intended recipient, you may be in danger. Put everything back in the box, just as it was when you found it. Slowly step away. Walk around to the front. Enter the blue building with the yellow door. Welcome to Luigi's. Order a medium sized pan pepperoni and mushroom pizza. The man will start bitching about his wife. Do not interrupt him. He tends to start spitting in food when people aggravate him. Smile and nod until the pizza is ready. This should not take long. Luigi is good at what he does. Pay for the pizza and leave. Cross the street, then head northbound until you see a cool 80's van with painted flames and rust on the side. Knock on the passenger side window and it will open, but just a crack. Yell out, "Supper time," and insert the pizza through the small opening provided. Then slowly walk away and pretend this never happened. Remember. You're being recorded for my Youtube channel and we only have one shot at this. DO NOT screw it up!

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It's Done: Hit #9

You know that thing you asked me to take care of?

It's done.

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There's your proof.

 
Now, let's talk about money.

I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of the payment. You have three days, you know this. Do not attempt any funny business with me. I do not play games unless I'm, playing games. This is not a game. You know this, I know this, and your husband found out the hard way.

Now, about that damage deposit.

I realize I offered a no mess guarantee. It was Christmas, I was drunk. I was attempting to broaden my horizons by offering special deals and discounts. Unfortunately, business did not pick up as expected and I'm kicking myself in the ass for spending so much money on those ads.

I apologize for the mess. Don't worry about the stains in the rug, you can always buy a new one. It looked cheap anyway. You can paint right over the splatter, nobody will notice. I'm sorry it had to move into the kitchen. I'm certain he was going for a knife and I had to finish the job before I put myself at risk. These sort of workplace injuries are hard to explain to the people who offer compensation for lost wages due to injury. My benefits actually stopped being beneficial to me last month. I have the worst toothache in the history of pain and can't even go see a dentist until I get my ass in gear and fill out these damn forms. I hate paperwork.

I'll be keeping the damage deposit. I know, I know. That's not fair...

Whatever. What are you going to do about it? Call the cops?

Highly un-fucking-likely.

Three days from now, don't forget. Don't pretend like you forgot my bitcoin address either because I did not forget your house address. Are we clear? Of course we are.

Have a nice day.

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Warning: If you are not the intended recipient of this message, you may be in danger.

This is why you should stop being so damn snoopy. I'm watching you and your every move. Put everything back inside the box as it was before you got your greasy hands on it. Open the other box. Inside, you'll find some clothes. Put them on. I know they don't fit, stop bitching. Make sure the pants hang down to your knees. Don't worry, the long shirt provided will cover your buttocks. Stop thinking it makes you look like a teenage girl at a sleepover party. That's the style now, for men, apparently. Once you have your costume on, take a few steps back, turn, then proceed walking down the sidewalk to the south. Keep your right hand still and sway your left arm as you walk. Be sure to keep your left side lower than your right side as you walk and always put more force on the left foot so your body sways with your arm. Now, you're gangsta. Own that walk all the way down the block. There's a man selling hot dogs on the corner. He works for me. Buy an all dressed footlong. Every time you take a bite, chew it fast, then say, DAYUM! Keep doing that for three hours. I know they don't taste good. Nobody else knows that and we think if someone just stood there acting like they're the bee's knees and the cat's meow for few hours, we'd get more customers. Just know, you're being recorded and will end up on my Youtube channel. We only have one shot at this. DO NOT screw it up.

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It's Done: Hit #10

You know that _thing_ you asked me to take care of?

It's done.

Here is the proof you requested:
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Not everything went as planned.

Unfortunately.

First, I'd just like to thank you for your hospitality. It's not too often clients allow me to stay the weekend. Normally I have to be in, and out.

Your husband didn't dissolve as much as you thought he would. Whatever that liquid was, I don't think it was strong enough. Most of him didn't go down the drain, as planned. I blame you though. You told me it would work. I could have taken this guy down the road and threw him into the river, or something. He could be fish food but instead I listened to you and now you have a mess on your hands.

I still expect the rest of my money though. I don't care about your bathtub or the kitchen spatula I broke when I tried to scrape him up and flush chunks down the toilet.

And another thing. Wear a mask when you go in that room. Whatever that smell is, I don't think it's meant to be inhaled.

I hope this parcel reaches you in time. Enjoy the rest of your vacation.

Have a nice day.
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Warning: If you are not the intended recipient of this message, you may be in danger.

Forget everything you thought you knew about anything, put everything back inside the box as you found it except for the plastic bag. Inside the bag you will find many strange things. Those are yours now. My gift to you. This isn't over though. Not even close. I have a crew of people following this package. They are watching you, so don't try anything stupid. Put on the shirt that says 'I'm the Blowjob Fairy'. Find a bus stop. Ask everyone if they'd like a blow job. Once someone says yes, take the flute out and begin to play. It doesn't have to be music, just blow in it. Once you're finished, take the suntan lotion out and squirt it all over your face. Don't forget to close your eyes. Then grab a handful of that glitter stuff and throw it up into the air. Be dramatic about it and do a twirl as it falls. Walk away, find a new bus stop, do it all over again. Don't screw this up either. You're being recorded, we only have one shot at this, and the ad revenue from Youtube helps me pay for gas. No funny moves, no police. That's what you get for being so damn nosy. Now get out there and show me what you're made of!

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It's Done: Hit #11

You know that thing you asked me to take care of?
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No

That is not a picture of your dead husband.

Don't worry about him, he didn't get away, that's done, it's over, you're a rich lady now, whatever, enjoy your freedom.

That is a picture of my leg.

I said, "No dogs!"

You agreed to the terms of service.

How was I supposed to know a little chihuahua wearing a sombrero and some cute little cowboy boots was going to jump out of the closet and start gnawing on my leg!

The little shit wouldn't let go!  I pulled and pulled and finally managed to get him off of me but he took a huge chunk of my leg with him, ran away, and proceeded to eat it!  I wanted my flesh back but every time I got close he'd just growl and give me that look, then he'd do the head shake thing like he was trying to finish it off!

I missed my daughter's tap dance performance because the clicking sound gave me PTSD flashbacks of that damn dog and his little boots clacking around on the floor shortly before he lunged at me!  I ran out of the gymnasium screaming before I got to see the grand finale and made a big scene because of that damn dog!

I'm keeping the damage deposit and I better see the rest of the payment hit my bitcoin wallet within four days or there will be hell to pay!  You hear me!

That's all!  Have a nice day.

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Warning: If you are not the intended recipient of this package, you are in grave danger.  Next time, don't be so damn nosy and mind your own business.  I'm watching you.  To save your life, follow these simple instructions:

First, open the included chocolate pudding cup.  Dip the included carrot into the chocolate pudding, then rub the pudding all over the carrot but be sure some orange is still showing.  Next, shove the carrot up your ass.  Make sure nobody is watching.  Once you've completed those steps, put on the included denim short shorts and tank top that says "Too sexy for this shirt."  Mess up your hair and apply the included red lipstick but be sure to miss your lips.  Rub it all over your face, it doesn't matter where it goes, just put it on.  Now you're ready.  Run out onto the street and pretend you're on fire until a crowd gathers.  Once they all pull out their phones and start recording this mess; stop, drop, and roll.  Then stand up, brush yourself off, pull the carrot out of your ass and offer everyone a taste of your 'roasted vegetable'.  No funny business.  You're being recorded for my Youtube channel and we only have one shot at this.  Do not screw it up!

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Will there be a twelfth episode?

I don't know!

It has been well over a year since I put the project to bed. The first episode had a whopping five comments under it. As the template grew and evolved over time, that number increased. Sixty-nine comments sit under the final episode. People were having fun with it.

Not your usual blog post...

I hope you folks enjoyed it all here today. Some of you out there might remember this project. I have a feeling many more didn't even know it existed. Putting it all into one nice and neat little pile like this for #Showcase-Sunday was a lot of fun for me. That's the first time I got to see how it evolved into what it became. There might be more in the future.

Showcase-Sunday

If you don't know what that is, follow this link for more information.

Have a nice day.

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