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Learning How To Do Shit: How To Make Sense of a World Full of Nonsense


Good afternoon or whatever and welcome to the class that will change your life forever.
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Even I didn't want to know that.

Another day, ruined.

It's probably for the best though and that's why I'm wearing these rubber gloves. I'm afraid to touch anything of hers. This pen. Do you know where this pen has been? Have you seen her sucking on it? Should I burn the damn thing?

What about all these books here? Is every page just a breeding ground for herpes? Is she trying to raise herpes like livestock?

Does she spit when she talks? Are all of you students in the front row getting splattered with herpes every day and don't even know it?

I don't get hazard pay.

You people sit still. I'll be right back!


Twenty minutes later...


Sorry I took so long!

I want everyone to find a partner. Once you do that, come to the front and grab one of these rolls of plastic wrap I borrowed from your cafeteria. One of you holds the roll, the other grabs the end with their teeth and starts spinning in circles until there's no skin showing. When you're all wrapped up, your partner will poke a few holes where your nose and eyes are with the scissors provided, then you can find your seat. The original wrap holders will pair up, do it all over again, and we'll keep doing this until there's only one student remaining. The last one loses and has to get the fuck out because I don't know what kind of critters you have crawling all over your skin.

Go!


Twenty minutes later...


Okay class!

Good job!

Wasn't that fun!

Now I feel safe.

Now I can do what I was born to do and be the best substitute teacher in the history of part-time jobs!

Tim! Why are you still standing there? You lose. Vamoose! Go! You're unclean!

Today's Lesson:

How To Make Sense of a World Full of Nonsense

What the hell does that even mean?

Is your teacher drunk?


Knock! Knock! Knock!
Pardon me, students. There's someone at the door.


Oh! Hello Principal Kunty! What brings you here today?


Young Timothy is crying in my office right now. He said nobody wants him because he has herpes. Have you noticed any strange behavior? Have his classmates been bullying him again?


No. These students have been nothing but a joy to work with and I look forward to coming back to your fine establishment again in the future. I really like it here.


Well I'd like to come in and talk to the students...


Are you sure that's necessary I mean, you're a busy guy, I'm sure I can handle it...


It's no problem. These anti-bullying lectures only take a few minutes and... Oh my god what's going on in here!


Is there a problem, Sir?


Why are these children covered in plastic!


For my protection, Sir.


Your protection?! Is that one even breathing! Why did you do this!


I didn't do it. They did it to each other. It was a game. Timothy lost and he's just being a poor-sport. Of course they're breathing. Can't you see the holes?


Get that plastic wrap off of the students, now!


And expose myself to the dangers of herpes! Are you prepared to go to court, Sir? I can't work in these conditions!


Herpes? Do you even know what herpes is? Who told you these kids have herpes?


Your school secretary sent me a text last night and asked if my services were available. I said yes of course because I really love teaching and then I asked for how long. I didn't get a text back until three in the morning. It said something about doctors, herpes, maybe three days. Upon arrival, I could see the herpes crawling all over everything so I wanted to make sure the students were safe.


Mrs. Alottapuss is on bereavement leave. Her husband and three of his friends were killed in a boating accident. Let me see the message you received.


Sure! Look. See! It says right there, "Herpes."


Who's Sarah?


That's my ex-girlfriend. Why?


Sarah said, "You have three days to get here. Going to the doctor. I think it's herpes."


Sarah has herpes?


No. You probably have herpes! Get this plastic wrap off of these kids, and get out of my school. I never want to see you again!


This is discrimination! This is no way to treat someone who's dying! I am a sick man here!


I can see that! Get out!


You can see the herpes, too?


Get out!


But I want to be a teacher!


You'll never teach in this town again!


You said that the last time!


Go!


Fine!
I'll just go have herpes someplace else!
A place that actually cares about people like me.


I'm calling the cops!

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"Put the gun down! Calm down! It was only a skit..."
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