― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
There's a moment in our life when we're required to change.And for many of us, it is scary. The unknown result of it, the shifting from our daily routine and habit, our interaction with people around us; everything is daunting. Yet at times, it is what we truly needed. We need to close the current book, burn it away and begin writing a new story on fresh pages.
The reason behind a change varies from one person to another. We either hit the lowest point in our life, experienced spiritual awakening, epiphany, or even loss of dear loved ones. But, whatever the reason that we have, as long as our lung keeps inhaling oxygen and flushing out carbondioxide, life is not over just yet.
If in our previous book we f*cked up real bad, we might still have the chance to build the kind of life we always wanted. Although obstacles are unavoidable, think of it as something fun and challenging. Think that, once we pass one challenge and overcome it, there will be rewards awaits. Besides, there's a saying that life is a game. As in a game, there are levels; the more difficult the level is, the higher the reward will be. However, the striking difference between a game and life is that you have to note, once it's over, it's game over. You can not restart it.
All of this, lead me back to a late night conversation I had earlier. I was asking around and to myself "are you really happy?" why?" and I was astonished when I couldn't seem to find the answer. It was a generic question on happiness. Am I not happy? why? Don't I have a roof over my head, loving friends, a shoulder to cry on, enough food to keep me alive. What is missing? am I not being grateful enough? these questions were continuously bothering me that night. Until I realized something must be truly missing and I couldn't seem to find it with my current lifestyle.
The next morning, I went to a pharmacy to get my prescription and was curious to my current weight. Since people have told me I seemed to gain pounds, I decided to weight myself to prove them wrong. But, I couldn't believe what I saw.
Me, at my heaviest throughout my entire life.
At first, I felt bad about it. Then, I shoved another package of cookies into my face to find comfort. What I found was, I added some extra kg to my already obese body. Does that instantly making me happy? nope. Not in a million years. While I am already experiencing existential crisis and other things, being obese is the least that I ever wanted.
On the way home, I realized that if I can eat until I reach that point and gained weight that easily, then it means I can shed them too. However, even before the thought of weightloss came into my mind, I am already dreading about going outside. I don't want my obese self to be seen yet if I keep hiding and stagnant, nothing will ever change. So, in order to motivate myself to go out there and working out, I keep repeating that one day it will pay off. Besides, I am growing a hard skin when people tell to my face that I am ' that' fat. I accept, it is my current reality, I am fat. But I always know that fact alone, doesn't change who I am as a person.
Weight-loss is only a little trigger that made me want to start over. There are other profound unhappiness I have been feeling that I still could not find the way to express it. Not in words neither with emotions. Perhaps a long the way, I can finally express it and understand. For now, this as much that I can write.
Once again, I am trying to see life in a rose colored glasses. Despite, I've been through numerous weight-loss journey, changes that I truly resent and various lifestyles that I tried along the way. What I noticed was that I never truly patient and understand, that good things do take time.
Hence, I am writing a new book in my life.Whatever that is unfinished in the past, I'll let that be; it's over. It is time to mold experiences I have into a new book; fresh pages, perhaps with different stories and happier ending.
I cherish all the memories, all of me that made me who I am today.