Not even pretending to human today. I'm slow. Procrastinating. Wishing for something exciting. Something to distract myself from myself. Like pistachios.
I have to take full responsibility. But what if I don't have the strength, the capacity, the caliber to do so? I know I hold the code. But the code's all over the place. And I know there is a meaning to be derived from this, I'm just not there yet.
Gravity pulls harder on the heart. The slowness, the tremble, the internal nagging.
Hi, my name's Josie and I'm addicted to my own internal nagging. I see it now. It feels extremely uncomfortable without it because you know something huge is about to drop when it goes silent.
In fact, my face NEEDS to be fucked up, just so that there is always something to nag about. Nothing must be perfect. You must always strive for perfection, or better yet, pretend to be striving for perfection, but you must never attain it, because if you do, everything is going to go REALLY, REALLY badly. Catastrophic, in fact. The whole hell is going to break loose. I see the program. I just don't know how to fix it. Yet.
And yes I know exactly where it comes from. I just don't know what the right approach to dealing with it is.
Not giving into and acting from fear, definitely not that! It'll only bring about the worst. But how then? Sure, the simple answer always is - this too needs more love, not less - but somehow I fail to comprehend how it can be applied to this. How do I go about giving more love to this internal nagging aspect of myself?
Sure it only wants to help, knows what must be done, knows what's best.. but.. it only makes things worse, more difficult, it only brings about more resistance, more anxiety, less action, less results.
As for the eating. I'm still on a fast. I do get occasional ideas that I should stop the fast, get some of the good, low GI food, maybe even some fish, but then the slow, procrastinating part of myself is dominant today, so I can't even be bothered with getting ready, going out and doing the groceries. I'll get some food tomorrow for the evening. Maybe even some fish.