Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash
Potential trigger warning for this post. It might bring up difficult feelings and emotions, thoughts.
My intention for this post is not to make anyone uncomfortable. It is to help someone who is going through something I’ve gone through.
As the title states, I’ve had to fight for my own survival.
Not in the literal sense.
My material needs have always been met.
I went to private schools, I’ve almost always had more than enough material possessions and money.
This is a story of internal struggle, pain and overcoming it slowly.
For anyone reading this and if You are going through something similar, know that it will most likely be a long journey.
Usually, it takes time to move from the darkness to the light.
Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with the meaning of it.
With the way, people treat each other, the way this society and world are.
With my sensitivity to all of the cruelty around.
How I don’t fit in and my way of thinking does not fit in.
I also struggled with the pain this experience entails. I couldn’t make sense of it. I couldn’t handle it.
I struggled with breakups. Losing people I loved and left my life suddenly. One of the biggest catalysts for this journey in my life has been breakups with women. Really hard to deal with for a person as sensitive as I am.
These are just some of the things I’ve struggled with.
During some more difficult days, these led me to very dark places.
I have to admit that at some points I contemplated leaving this world as well. A difficult thing for me to say but unfortunately this is true.
One of the biggest things I struggled with was actually life itself.
Because of those difficult things I just mentioned, my will and desire to live was gone.
I didn’t have any.
I was just going through the motions, putting on a brave face. Within, was just pitch-black darkness.
In my early days, this lead to addictions of different sorts.
Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, women, sex, money, parties, the pursuit of material pleasures, etc.
None of these really made sense. They actually made the deep hole inside of me even bigger.
Because all of these things that were supposed to help me feel fulfilled and meaningful didn’t actually do that.
Luckily enough, during this time, many teachers and helpers started showing up in my life. Many of them helped me through a lot of the darkness I was experiencing.
Special thanks to Colin Treiber, David Schofield, Eivind Skjellum, Karl-Otto Sandvik, Richard Arsic, Erik Heinjärv.
A very special thanks to my partner Terje Oim. My father Tiit Altosaar, my mother Hels Mikkal. And my grandparents, Mare and Heiti Altosaar.
You are always in my heart, I’m deeply grateful for the moments we have shared together on this planet. You were there during my darkest days, I’m eternally grateful for that.
There were probably many more, I’m sorry if I have forgotten You in some way. I appreciate You if our paths have crossed.
Having said all this, there comes a time in a man’s life (or a woman’s) when they need to discard everything else and look into themselves. Become themselves in a deeper way. A time when all of the teachings, practices, and help from others does not cut it anymore.
I had to look deep within myself.
I had practices from other teachers and I started perfecting them for my own needs. I share some of those in my new free mini-series called Inner Peace. You can find the first video of the series here:
This all meant that for a really long period of time, I just sat in darkness and looked into my soul. This went on for months, years.
Things started to emerge, I started realizing things, and what is most important, I started fighting for my own life. For my own survival.
A new type of presence emerged from those dark moments. One that I deeply cherish now. One that is full of creativity, love, compassion, fierceness and everything life has to offer.
I found a deeper place within myself that I thought didn’t exist.
Through it all, I started writing.
At first, it was something to occupy my mind and something to do.
Then it changed into what I can only call channeling of consciousness. I have no idea where those words came but it didn’t seem like they came from me.
I found a deeper acceptance of myself than I had ever experienced.
I found meaning, depth, purpose, mission.
These are all big words. But what it really is, is presence. It’s the fullness of Your being. If You are complete within Yourself, Your always on purpose. And the things “You are meant to do”, will start revealing themselves to You gradually.
Your purpose doesn’t have to be some special, big thing. Your purpose is You, the continuous exploration of Yourself through contact with this Universe and other beings in it. That’s mostly it.
If You want to get it more exact, astrology can help. Astrology revealed itself to me during this period. It’s unfortunate that there is much misunderstanding with this science. But more on that in another post.
Through all of that darkness and writing, The Meaning Book was born. This book is about transforming that darkness into light and finding a new purpose in life. Finding the will to fight for Your life and start creating again.
I hope those understandings I had will help You in some way as well.
And know that after each period of darkness, a lighter period will usually follow. These are the cycles of life. You learn, grow, evolve. And do it again and again.
But a word of warning, if You as a person have achieved some sort of mastery, and think that the challenges end and You will not have to face darkness again, unfortunately, this is not the case. There will be more. And You will have to go deeper.
There will always be new frontiers to strive towards. This means challenge, pain, struggle and hopefully, in the end, triumph.
And at the moment of writing this, I’m finally realizing how much I’ve had to fight for my own survival. It seems and feels too much but as always, it’s exactly the perfect amount. I shed tears of gratitude for this magnificent experience of life, the pain and struggle I’ve gone through to finally be here.
And hopefully, this is proof that Your deepest and darkest suffering, can turn into Your greatest gift and teacher.
Get the book here, now available in paperback as well:
PS! I’m moving my writing, astrology and videos to another page (So, You don’t have to keep listening to me talking about darkness all the time.). If You are interested in this type of expression, like the page here: https://www.facebook.com/Ian-Altosaar-The-Freedom-Astrologer-103048764431304/
More will follow.