Growling isn't going to get your message heard when you're in a boomerang fight.
Me: "THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM SAYING!"
I found myself steaming at the ears trying to communicate with flailing arms and legs something that was not translating on the other side.
Opponent: "You JUST SAID __!"
At this point, every ounce of annoyance inside me is about to burst as I let the frustration completely overtake my calm, rational perspective and Hulk breaks loose.
Me: "AHHHHH! That's NOT WHAT I SAID! I don't even understand how what you're saying back could possibly be what you think I said, that is definitely NOT what I said!"
Opponent: "Yes it is! You JUST SAID IT! I heard you!"
My palm just about went through my forehead.
Deep breath in.
Count to 10.
Holy jumping jelly beans! Anyone been through something like this? 🙋♀️🙋♂️
👉Here's the thing... when you're stressed out, your processing power is not at 100% and you're going to be liable to make some errors.
Think about it like a phone battery, as we're using it, it's expending energy and that battery bar is decreasing in percentage right? (Same, same in real life.)
So in case you forgot, you're YOU and you're NOT well, "not you" so therefore, you can't perfectly know what someone is trying to say/what they mean just as they can't be inside your head to know exactly what you're saying/what you're meaning to say!
Therefore, thread lightly my friends.
🌈The art is knowing that we have that faulty system and setting up some measures to protect yourself when that starts to happen.🌈
I noticed recently in a conversation/argument/misunderstanding/learning opportunity (being under a lot of stress lately), that the two of us in opposition were appearing to be saying the same/similar things but not HEARING it that way (which got my brain twirling!)
Being hyper-sensitive and empathic, I talk to myself in moments like this so while I could see my opponent's eyebrows furled and watch his lips repeat back to me words (I definitely didn't say)... I thought...
"I know we're not doing this right, right now. What is REALLY going on here?"
It was this aggravated, super insistent boomerang back and forth of us saying the same thing over and over just in new ways or with different wording each time. The other person kept firing back the same message (translation) no matter how it was conveyed (and the two of us both KNOW better!)
See, what I noticed by slowing down time (a la Matrix) and observing us was that we both were expressing our fears (what we didn't want to happen) and we were both defending ourselves to the other to try to justify that we would not/were not producing that fear for the other (as if we thought we were being blamed!)
Hear that? Blame and fear.
That's just war-like, that's not going to get you far even if you THINK you're saying the right thing. War creates offence and defense and we don't want that in communication. We don't want to be on opposite sides of the battle field, (we want to avoid the war part all together actually.)
Thinking about how common this is and how often we humans misinterpret each other, I started investigating ways in which to mediate that problem outside of the kitchen table.
Now, I am trained in NVC (non-violent communication) which is an extremely helpful communication technique developed by Marshall Rosenberg. The problem is sometimes even I myself, forget to use NVC perfectly.
I actually also have a university degree in Communication and Social Psychology together with an encyclopedia of techniques and information in my brain that could/should help many a situation that may occur.... I should be prepared for such events and get to live all hunky-doory with no misunderstandings ever to be had, right?
NO. No matter who you are or what you know, life is life and will present challenges.
Stress gets in the way of all that! Stress buckles all of your talents and skills and if we (as in any of us) don't catch it quick enough, we can end up in a battlefield with ourselves and anyone else around us.
👉What's important is to STOP, COLLABORATE and LISTEN!
(Oh, I am not even joking my love drops!)
If you SLOW YOUR OWN BRAIN DOWN, breath in deeply, count down if you need to and just take a second to let the stress pass, you'll find that all of a sudden your built in translator is back online!
Listen with compassion and maybe say something like:
👉"Can you tell me again in other words what emotion you're feeling right now?"
Wait and let the other person answer.
👉"OK, so you've expressed you're feeling _____. Am I right?"
Wait and let the other person answer.
"Can you tell me WHY you are feeling that way?"
When we break down the context of the communicative stress, we get to the REAL ROOT and then we can actually move forward.
I bring this up because I KNOW (I am extremely stubborn and I love being right) it can be hard to just stop and let someone else have the spot light when I want to share what I'm feeling.
But, if you're able to manage to muster compassion and kindness for them (especially in that moment) you will have such a more beneficial experience than screaming back and forth for hours.
Trust me. I hope next time you're feeling like you just cannot get through to someone you'll remember this and know you're not alone and you can make the whole thing turn around! 💚
You know what people like? To be heard. To be seen. To be valued. To be empathized with.
That's where true healing and connectivity comes from.
I feel like I have to add, in said search, I found this hilarious video which will make you laugh and make you think about how you communicate (especially concerning speaking to the opposite sex!)
What did you miss from me? Here's what I've been up to lately:
Spaghetti Vibes Salad
Unsuspecting Veggie Drool Inducer
Pumpkin Spice "Latte" Nibbles
Jicama Hash Mash Bash
Rad Rainbow Coleslaw! (Rainbows are ALWAYS DELICIOUS!)
Something Like Ratatouille
Not Your Plain Ol' Veggie Tray
Feel Good Crispy Kale Chips
Make Me Strong Super Spinach Salad
Stuffed Avocado Boats
Sugarless Super Snacks for Super Bowl Sunday
Mind Mapping Yourself Out of Limiting Beliefs
Game Time Greens
Winner Walnut Wraps
Cleansing Coconut Curry
Easy Veggie Zoodles
Triple Bakon Vegan, GF Burgers