NVC is all about identifying our and others needs, and being able to communicate them clearly. The intention is to create the quality of connection necessary for everyone's needs to get met compassionately. ALL human beings have the same needs. NVC is another way of perceiving ourselves and others, with empathy and a heart based communication. It is based on the realisation that most of our conflicts in communication are based around trying getting our needs fulfilled, and generally speaking our current mode of communication is failing to resolve issues or improve our ability to have our needs met.
Most people have not even identified their actual needs, and instead focus on other issues, and engage in blame, and feel angry. Discovering our actual needs is quite easy, and just takes a little time to think past the immediate conflict and find the need that the conflict represents. Discovering the needs of others is likewise quite easy if you just ask or assist someone to clarify what needs they have that are not being met. An important part of NVC is empathy and emotional intelligence. We can intuit what another person may be feeling and try to help them identity a need of theirs. This also can be done with your own feelings and needs.
So, NVC is a way to overcome the conflicts in our lives that prevent our needs from being met. By realising and prioritising our needs as a primary concern, we can choose this path. The number one reason that we don’t get our needs met is that we don’t express them. We express judgments. If we do express needs, the number two reason we don’t have our needs met is we don’t make clear requests. Once we can learn how to listen to peoples needs and not their judgements or blame, and identify our own needs and feelings, and finally make clear requests that ask what some one could do, and not what they should not do, we can make amazing breakthroughs in our communication, and ability to have all our needs met.
To practice NVC, we must completely abandon the goal of getting other people to do what we want. Instead we use natural giving.
Natural giving is the feeling that we have when we have our needs met, and then we have compassion for the other person, We therefore listen compassionately, and we really observe them and help to identify and have their needs met. Finally, they will want to listen and meet your needs as a feeling of natural giving since they will feel so uplifted and happy that you have gifted them by fulfilling one of their needs.
Conflicts, even of long standing duration, can be resolved if we can just keep the flow of communication going in which people come out of their heads and stop criticising and analysing each other, and instead get in touch with their needs, and hear the needs of others, and realize the interdependence that we all have in relation to each other. We can't win at somebody else's expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person's needs are fulfilled as well as our own.
NVC is a process of 4 steps that holds the structure for how a conversation can happen. Observing, Feeling, Needs, Request. This is the secret formula, and once you understand what each step is, and practice it a little, you will be able to have a potentially very new kind of conversation!
Observe: Listen for the need behind the words, listen free from judgements
Feel: How I feel, an emotion or sensation in relation to what I observe. I feel ...
Needs: What i specifically need that causes my feelings .
Request: Clearly requesting, not demanding, that which would enrich my life. Say what you do want and not what you don't want. The concrete actions i would like taken. Would you be willing to...
Miracles can happen when we can keep our consciousness away from analysing and classifying one another.
SO each week we will focus on one of these steps, and I will do my best to share with you what Observing, Feeling, Needs and Request really mean, and how to relate it to your communication. I will give you examples, and also some simple questions, and finally exercises to do that will help you lean and understand how to relate it to your communication. This will take around 4 weeks, after which you will be primed and ready! We will then be ready to practice on the big issues with a friend or loved one, and I hope we can share and work together here to support each other in the process. I'm sure there will be many questions as these discussions happen, and that will be a great learning experience. You may not get it all perfect at first, it takes time! It is like learning a new language because it is a different way of thinking, and we need to practice it to get used to it.
I don't think you can have an authentic connection when one person is diagnosing the other.
I have sourced information from many websites, videos and even PDFs, to provide you with what I think is the quickest, easiest and best way to explain NVC without you having to spend too much time watching long videos. In my opinion this process needs to happen over some weeks and months, as there is just way too much information in a three hour video. You will understand and retain maybe 1% of the knowledge when you just watch a video.