Well guys... I am Alive though the experience I had at the hospital going for surgery was one I will not soon be forgetting in this video I reflect on how things managed to get so discombobulated.
To start off with I talk about how an early experience going for surgery as a child left me with a long lasting sensation due to what happened then. I believe this was the very beginning of my depressive state, going back to 4 years old and till now I have not had an experience to remind me off what I had endured back then. In short, I woke on the operation table and knocked out my back teeth. What I do remember from when I was young is them showing me my teeth that were knocked out and laughing about it when I woke up. The one lasting memory was not recognizing my parents and thinking they were part of the hospital staff torturing me, I completely rejected everyone and everything with intent of starving myself to death.
Going into the hospital for this surgery I was freaked out to begin with. I had 1 panic attack even before getting into the hospital gown. I managed to down regulate myself right to the moment they were putting me under and in that moment I lost control. I am not certain if it was a physiological response to the IV sedation or the oxygen mask they were pressing onto my face which caused me to panic but the last thing I remember before passing out was holding my breathe to get the nurses attention to listen to me. I feel as if I may have been starting to fight off the sedation and I was only a fraction of a second from starting to swing for my life. The thought in my mind when being put to sleep was "You Are Killing Me!". Despite all of that it was not the real concern or trouble with the situation seeing as the operation went just fine and that vague memory is all I can remember the real trouble started once I woke up.
Let me start by saying, I despise drugs with my entire soul. I hate how they leave me feeling and do not enjoy the complications experienced. I now know that feeling I have been carrying for a long time extends from that experience as a young child. Had I not taken the 3 year journey of creation to get here able to reflect on myself I may not now be aware of what this experience represents to me. I believe that I had my first near death experience in the hospital at 4, whether I induced it upon myself by not eating or it was due to the surgery only my late mother(rest her soul) would be able to tell us.
When I woke up from surgery I completely freaked out, jumping out of bed and insisting they let me out. All I really needed was to go outside and get some fresh air but I couldn't collect my thoughts to articulate that point. I woke feeling like I needed to fight for my life and I did not recognize where I was or any of the people around me. When I stood up and they called security on me to then continue to impatiently ask me questions I found myself practicing down regulation just to not start swinging at the people who were trying to help me yet I was perceiving them as a threat. In that moment I did and said whatever I needed to get out of there, simply put I was not rational in any sense of the word. Between all the people staring at me while I changed in the middle of the waiting area and nurses trying to physically direct me back into bed I didn't feel safe at all.
I managed to check myself out of the hospital without hurting anyone and finally started thinking clearly after I got about 2 blocks away while starting to put 2 & 2 together of where I was and bought a coffee from Tim Hortons to then call the fiancé letting her know. Obviously no one was impressed with me but I also don't feel like there was much of a better option for me than to leave at that point....
What An ExperienceLeast I know what to expect in future if I get put under, best I know the root of my depression. I will have to reflect on this further and try dive within myself as to the reason for the beginning of that feeling. Bringing up blocked or forgotten memories most likely mixed with many undealt with emotions. Questioning whether or not that reaction I had was at all relevant to the sedation or if it was just me stressing out. If this sensation I hold since a young child, which I have forever been trying to encapsulate in words, is actually relative to the sedation then it makes me wonder think that maybe the sensation I hold is the same as what an addict is trying to suppress.
The sensation is a "craving" or "lack of" leaving me to feel anxious and restless, motivated to do but unsure what will bring relief. Could this be addiction though I have never actively chosen to do the drugs? Maybe this is why I have never been able to put my finger on it and why discussion leads back to asking me about taking drugs. They say you can't get addicted from IV sedation ... who knows maybe I just had a bad reaction 🤷♂️
That's it, @D00k13 Out!