Yesterday was a slower day than usual and it seems with the values going south the whole system is slowing down. It is a completely normal thing, every time that happens it is pretty much the same thing. It is not any better in all the other places, and it is not the time variable. Not that and not me, because I am nowhere better than I was ten years ago. This is a dead circle.
I just realized that I did not stop for months but actually didn't do anything relevant. At least some others can feel an echo of their work, if not see an obvious success. I have done a horrible thing and I will pay a terrible price, now who wants the evil blooms of my damnation? The money involved how many of you would raise your hand without even thinking what the real price is? Nothing is free...
Today is one of those days - you know - when I wake up finally all clear in the head and see that I wanna hide in some shit hole and never crawl out. Just to mind my own damn business and take all things easy and for myself.
Unlike all the others happy go lucky chips in here, I have my coins permanently staked in the Hellcoin, I am fighting that thought every day; every morning when I get up I believe that I can make it, that I have to do something. And every day on a constant level I fight that sobering thought that my effort, time, talent and whatever I am doing with it is futile. I don't have bad days or good days. Somehow it all melts down into one the same pot and I wonder, how people can constantly gearing up The Plans. The Big Thing...
My punch line always was that I will always try, I will never stop hoping, I will believe, I will keep myself all shelled in faith, doing all the stupid things just to keep myself sane and keep my heart running.
And then I watch all those young sound landing down in the Wierdustan, while I am desperately trying to get the fuck out.
And then when I go to bed, late at night, I feel that maybe tomorrow will be better, but maybe tomorrow I won't be here anymore. My time is draining minute by minute and my days are slowly one by one closing down on me right to the end.
I don't know how much I will last in this new moving carcass, nobody knows that, but that constant battle within and that realization that one of these days I will need to leave it, and that the tomorrow will maybe not come is the only thing that keeps me ticking. Can't leave, can't stop hoping.
Nobody actually dies, you are just kept in the eternal oblivion.